| I'll bold the shit you care about. You'll miss a lot by just reading bold though, like who I like omg omg omg!!
Since I'm home for a while today, I think I'm going to write a somewhat shallow entry about Homecoming and the like, just to let you all in on what I did and such. Comment if you want me to rate your hottness at the date on a scale of 0-10. (Yeah, there were 0s.)
Well, let's start with Thursday night, Coffee Shop. I didn't know who would be going or anything but I wanted to support Dave's band as well as AJ's so I just said you know what, we'll see who's there when we get there. So I got there and Shawn was taking money, which made me giggle. Even funnier was Kat was taking tickets, and didn't know how to go about it. Eventually, me and Alex Pearse hung around iwth Kat and we all opted to rip the tickets in half, movie theater style. We stayed there for about a half hour with her while everyone came in. I let this kid with yellow hair in free cause I liked his hair.
I went into the cafeteria when the bands started playing. I found Lowecase's little table and Josh & Mike were there. I hung out with them for a little. Then I found Ned and he was all Ned. Yeah. When I went over to get some coffee there was Cate who was happy to show me a cell phone picture of what she claimed to be a penis in her mouth. Apparently that's what it looks like when you shove the phone in your mouth and take a picture. Walter and this girl I didn't know Jen were there too, and I ended up hanging out with those three the whole time because they're cool. Now for some reason we decided we'd sneak into the gym during a shitty band and throw softballs, volleyballs and tennis balls at each other for about an hour. It was fun as hell nonetheless. Rock out. Cate and I both fell at the same time when sliding in for a softball, and then Jen and I ran straight into each other once. Cate fell on her back afte rkicking a volleyball. Walter hit me square in the face with a softball. Hahaha.
After a while we went back in and there was AJ's band, who got better. We got behind the drink counter and there was some sort of ice war between Cate and some girls I dunno. I almost stole one of those Tastycake stand things but the kid there wouldn't let me. Ohwell. There was a sweet ass band at the end called Alabine, they were cool. Yeah. So then we waited for rides and Cate and Jen and Walter left and then Cate called me and asked if I wanted to eat dinner at Bare Bones for HC so I was like okay. She had a date by the way, yeah.
I won't bore you with Friday cause it wasn't interesting, but here's Saturday. Woke up at 11, skipped the parade/game/breakfast cus I can. Haha our game got rained out by halftime and we lost. I did a buncha nothing til about 5:30 when I got ready then went to Bare Bones. Jen and Anna (Nevarria) eventually came to the front and reported that they actually did have a table already, after I waited for about 10min. I got there and it was just the five of us; Cate's date this kid Chris didn't show up til 7 fucking 30 which pissed her off. He was on CXC so yeah. I feel really bad because Cate didn't really have a good time with her date. Kristen suggested I dance with Cate since her date sucked and Cate was like ok so I did. Anyway back to dinner. We got crab dip and Cate gave me some with way too much dip on it. I ordered a strawberry daquiri and a bacon cheeseburger, medium well, swiss cheese with fries and corn fritters. Walter flung some spit at me in my face. Later Cate threw crab dip, he tried to dodge it, fell on the table behind us and still managed to get dip on his shirt&belt. Before that Jen's v-ball coach person girl with a weird name came over and talked to her. This is where I learned the kind of shit that the "popular" kids do - lie about your rides (we said Walter, it was Cate's dad); pretend we actually drink; act casual about it afterwards, like we do it all the time. Whatever, I mean, Jen's a cool person but that stuff's kinda odd to me.
The bill was $94 and we gave about a $20 tip because we were such asses to the waiter (Jen: Do you have strawberry cheesecake? | Waiter: Just regular. | Jen: Um... do you have strawberry topping? | Waiter: I'll... be... right back...) After that we waited for Jen's date and he came and then we left at about 8:10 and got to the dance, yeah. I saw everyone at random intervals. Here's the low-down. Danny and April, hahaha. They're going out now. Um... wow. The one person I actually ever had feelings for, I couldn't say a word to. She was down-right beautiful and that's all I can say. Tabatha asked me to dance, I said yeah. I feel bad, she's not coming back to school, she moved. =[
Nothing else of interest really, the dance sucked. Walked out of every slow song, yada yada. The only redeeming quality was seeing the girl I was talking about looking gorgeous and such. After the dance I rode home with Erica to her house for an after party. The people there were: Anna, Marcy, Suzy, Christina, Bailey, Shawn, Kevin (asian Erica's date Kevin), Carolyn, Tom, Molly someone, Robyn, Lida, Meredith, Laura, Claire, Amir, AJ, Erica and myself. Sorry if I forget anyone, but I think that's it. We had a load of fun - Backstreet Boys, Jesus Christ Superstar, Phantom of the Opera (whoa, Marcy!) and such. Mmm sparkling cider minus alcohol equals still yummy. I wonder if I can get some photos of me looking hot.
That's about it. All in all, everything EXCEPT the actual dance rocked. I still feel shitty about it overall because I was unable to say the one thing I really wanted to say to someone.
Anyway. Rock on. | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment   |
| Before you read this, I want you to understand something. I have problems. If you didn't already knwo that, I'm telling you now, so that you don't worry. Don't listen to anything or everything I say, because half of it's probably just irrelevant. That said, I want you all to read this. All of you who read this journal, I mean. Even if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Even if I don't talk about you in this. Just read it, because really, it's one of the only things I really want to say. There's only going to be one person that I refer to anonymously, and it's most likely not you. If you want me to remove your name from this entry, comment on it and I'll edit it. I'm NOT going to remove what I'm saying to or about you, though, so don't hold your breath. And don't worry. We'll all float on OK.
This, it's basically me saying what I need to say. It's not anything novel. It's just the truth. The naked, ugly, fat, scarred and uncensored truth. I need it off my goddamn chest, so I can stop carrying this baggage. Sorry if I offend you. Sorry if I scare you. But really, I shouldn't. I'm not saying much of anything mean in here. I'm not that mean of a guy, really.
I want to start out with Matt. The reason you're first is simple. I have the most to say for you. We've been through a hell of a lot, you and I, good and bad. Drama is never something I intended to put between us. It just happened. I don't regret it because I feel that we both learned something from it. One, drama is annoyying. Two, bitching and whining won't solve anything. That's what I learned. I consider you a friend. My definition of friend is high-standard. You've known me for a long time, but you've really only KNOWN me for a couple years; that's the same with most of my friends. Really, I appreciate for what you've done for me. I'm not talking high-maintenence shit or anything, you didn't uplift me when I was on the verge of suicide. I'm just sayin', you've dealt with a lot. Heh, like in math, you know? Little shit like that. And just being there helps. Makes me feel more alive, because really, we're not so different. I don't want any of this religious shit to tear us apart, and I don't think it will. I wanna' come to one of your meetings because I want to understand the religion, not because I want to be social with you. I don't know a lot about Christianity. For all I know, I've got this whole thing wrong. I don't honestly think so, but I'm open-minded enough to learn about it more, at least. Maybe I won't be so thick-headed about it? Heh.
Amanda... this one's a little different. I don't really know you well at all. I mean... maybe a little, maybe I get you, and can talk to you, but really, nothing spectacular has ever happened between us or together or whatever, so it's hard. The thing is, I feel real distant from you. I don't want it to be like that 'cause I think you're a good person. I'm just really having some trouble connecting with you. I used to think it must be the religion. Now mayube, I'm not so sure. I don't get to see you all too often. Whenever I do, we're in class or in a group. That does nothing to enhance any sort of friendship. I'm not saying I need some alone time with you to really be your friend, but we haven't had a real converation. Something meaningful that wasn't one-ended or sad. I don't mean to make you worry or pity. I don't want that. I want to be your friend, and I'm having trouble finding how. Anyway, I want you to know that I care about you. I can't say I'm praying for you since I don't pray, but uh, if I did, you'd be prayed for. I hope that makes some sense to you. And I hope we can work things out sometime.
Katie... I don't really even know for sure that you read this, but I felt that I needed to say something about you anyway. I've known you, too, since I can remember, and I still don't know you at all. You've never really been in a position where we could really talk. That doesn't help. From what I understand through small talk and through other kinds of things, you're a person who's worth getting to know. Like I said... it's hard to do that. It's hard for me to talk to people sometiems, in general. Reading your journal, well, I imagine something's going wrong or had gone wrong for you. I don't have a clue as to what it is, but I wanna' say, it'll pass. Really. I can't say I'm there for you. I can't say everything will be fine, because I don't know. I think it probably will. In any case, it'll pass. Things change, and things are forgotten or overshadowed by other, bigger things. Don't worry about it. You, too, I wish I could get to know.
I have known and considered Rachel a friend for a long time, but I never really knew much about you. I imagine you have problems like everyone else and me and that there are times in your life that you, too, are lost. I've never really tried to get to know you because I felt I already did, and really, I don't know if I do. You're a great person, and you're someone who I find easy to talk to, so I don't imagine there to be any real big problem between us as friends or whatever anytime soon. I've had fun being around you and talking with you, and nothing better get in the way of that happening again next year.
When I met you last year, Laura, really I was kind of confused. You really have always confused me because I never know what you're thinking in that head of yours. I understand that sometimes I'll say stupid shit and you give me a look, that means that you think I said something stupid. Ok, but seriously, I think I'm starting to get you, it just takes some time. I remember having a long talk with you about politics and learning a lot of things from what you said. I liked that, it was fun to me. Let's try that again some time, yeah? I think it's cool that you're open to this whole religion thing. I know you're going through something similar to me, and really, I admire how you handle it. I'm trying to do the same thing. You've helped me. Thanks.
I really just met you, Kelly. You know, for a while, I didn't know who you were. I think you should know that before I knew you, a lot of people were talking about how pretty you were, and how nice you were. When I met you, I was able to confirm both of those. You're a good person. I think you know too that we've never gotten a chance to talk earnestly, but I like to think that it should happen soon. When it does, I want to get to know you. Small talk is fine, but really, I know it'd be better for both of us if we got to know each other. Whenever we talk on IM, you end up having to leave. Just talk to me sometime. Catch me at a good time and yeah, I'll talk back. Promise.
Something definitely needs to be said for Kalyani. I think I did pretty well in getting to know you over one year when you're only in one of my classes and I don't get to talk to you that often because a lot of the things you say, or what you draw on your arm, and what's on your away message and in your profile and journal, it says something to me about you. I think you're smart. I think you're funny in a weird way. Mostly, I think you're mature. I respect that in a person a lot, and I hope you think highly enough of me so that we can be friends in the near future.
Fiona, really, you're fucked up. I like that.
Emily. I'm talking to Ms. Smalle here. Yeah, you. I know a lot about you, I'd say. I understand you. I respect you. And I think we really need to talk more often these days. School's almost out for me (do you get off work in the summar?) so I think I should have more time online. I'm going to haunt you until you give me a call, though. Beware! Yeah. I'm scary. Oooooooooooooooooo!! No, but, like, seriously. You've been there for me and I think I've been there for you. You're really a good friend, even if I never get to really hugar you. Come down here sometime in that shitty ride of yours. We'll have some fun, if you know what I-- nevermind, nevermind. =P Thanks. For everything.
David, you scared me that one night. You should know what I'm talking about. I don't want you to do that shit again. I told you that, but I'm saying it anyway. Stop scaring me. Have a nice time in France, man, you deserve it. I'll be listening to the music I stole from you and thinking of your stupid emo lips. Yeah, that's right. Emo lips.
Elimy the Momma of the scary bitch children... I really sometimes worry about your mental health. I understand you're beyond help, though. =P I hope your life in the near future is good, because from what you've been through, god knows you deserve it. So stay cool, and don't do stupid shit, as always. I might have to do counter-stupid shit, you know.
Roy... uh... uh... roy... who was I talking about? :p I love you man. LESS THAN THREE YOU FOR LIFE.
Last. Not least. In fact, least least. The anonymous. SSA. It's funny, because they know it, and you don't. Look, I could say a plethora of things about you, what you've done for me, all this shit you've dealt with from me, and all of that. It's only been less than a year, and I consider you the most important person in my life. Although I really hate the idea of it, the emotion in general, I think I have that love thing, for you. I don't know for sure. I never know. Nobody does, right? I mean, people have gone years without knowing they weren't in love, then ruined each other's lives. I just thought I should let you know, somehow. Even if it doesn't matter or if it makes you hate me or if whatever. I'm really stupid, you know? Yeah. Well... that's just... it. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I thought I'd found it then - you know, that moment just before everything slips through your fingers and it's gone. All the answers seem so surreal to you in these moments, suspended in your own confusion. Nothing's real. But then, what isn't real? That's surreality for you. That's how I live. The way I breathe. And I'm still having trouble believing what's happened to me over the years. That my own father would do something like that. That my mother and sister would say such things and feel those ways. That I, of all people, could hate the people that I should love. A you, him, her, dad, mom, me. Me. It's all back to me, and it always has been. Every fucking second of my life has to be about me or else it's not worth my time. That's how god damn pathetic I am. But I don't pity myself because I know, really, this is nothing. All of that really is bullshit; families tear apart. People lose themselves and each other. No solace. No sorrow. Just lacking something intangible that seemed to once be there.
I never really thought about it, but I guess if I do, I don't really care about anyone. I can't really name a person who I would really crumble if they died. I used to cry myself to sleep thinking about my parents dying. That would almost be escape for me now. I don't know if this is temporary or permanent mental damage but it feels nice to not have to care about anyone, you should try some of this.
It's not a drug. It's a lifestyle.
Look at my face and listen to my words and imagine that none of that is real. Tell me you worry or you care or you want to do something. That's real nice, but seriously? Fuck off. If I wanted your sympathy I'd do stupid shit like cut myself and wear short sleeve tee-shirts then write about blood and suicide in my journal for you to read. I don't fucking CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
If I did, maybe I'd let you know.
You want a summary of this year? It fuckin' sucked, like every other year in school since I learned to think for myself. I don't have regrets because those are worthless. Give me a time machine and maybe I'll have regrets. I didn't find God and I'm glad because I was too close for fucking comfort. It's too late now anyway. I know too much about this fucked up world to ever want to believe in some guy up there pulling strings, because even if I did believe, he'd be a fucking asshole and just another guy to hate. If there was a Jesus I'm sure he was nothing special. Hey, I can be the modern Jesus! I've been beaten for three years by some stupid fuck on the playground, I come from a broken home and I'm not of the majority religion. Stone me stone me! Crucify me, please. Then worship my dead body.
I didn't really make any new friends. Sorry if you guys thought you were my friends, but I most likely think you're shallow, blind fucks. Maybe a few exceptions. I'll leave you to wonder a while if you're an exception, then just decide I'm another asshole that ruined your life. Nothing new.
I have to end this like the rest of you attention whores or else I'm not cool, right? plz comment <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
No, wait, kill yourself first. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| As the year comes to an end I feel satisfied with my accomplishments. I've learned a lot of things that I couldn't have learned without being the person that I am. I've also lost a lot this year, in a number of ways. Mostly my faith in people, my willingness to be accepting of my family, and some of my friends, too. I don't really understand a lot of what I feel nowadays, but I think I just need some more time.
I noticed today that a lot of people have changed more than I have, on the outside, at least. I'm not very different from last year. I'm still the immature, annoying, unfunny brat I was. Everyone else... now they're more religious, or more open, maybe just a little more mature than before. Still I feel estranged from the people I would call friends, normally. Even the stranger group of friends that I have seem to be different from me in ideals and the like.
I can never tell what anyone's thinking anymore. I don't know who I am and I don't know who other people think I am. I really am alone. I really, truly don't care anymore if I'm left out. I don't care any longer that I don't participate in things others do, that I'm not as pretty or smart as someone else, or that I'm not good enough to be anything real.
Ever since September 23, 2001. I will never forget the reality of that pain. That I never knew what pain was before, and that so many around me think their problems are so dire, and that I think my problems are so dire. Really, everything's petty unless you're dying or dead.
So what, I'm crying maybe. It doesn't matter. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I had a dream in which I crafted an origami dove which took flight and spread its beauty across the world. When I awoke, I folded that same bird only to watch it tumble in paperthin reality. Truly there are planes of existence in which we fall into during slumber that far surpass those of the living. The yang of this situation, really, is that there are dreams that can scar oneself for the rest of their lives; dream scars, the common term among psychologists who don't really have a degree.
Recurring dreams are usually nightmares. I don't know whether that's an imbalance or if there's something I'm missing from the other side. Maybe I just don't remember happy times well. Maybe nobody does.
I think I want to die in a dream. Just let the two worlds meet, sleeping and waking, and in both of them, I'll die. Then, when I'm dead, bliss. Right? Because really there is no Hell. Hell, really, it's here. This is our punishment and death is our reward. If you bail out of your punishment with suicide, though - that's it, game's over, no dessert for you. You cheated.
And maybe we're mice in a maze looking for the cheese that's surrounded by all four sides, and the only real way to get there is for that big guy up there to pick you up when you're dead.
I don't know. I don't really want to know yet. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Gundam SEED // OST 01 // 02 - Anna ni isshodatta no ni | | Subject: | // kill me, kiss me // | | Time: | 05:37 pm |
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| As the days go by, I feel more and ever more detached from the world around me. Estranged from the truths I wish not to disclose to myself. It's bothersome - a human mind would trick its host into believing whatever is most profitable to the situation, even when the reality is quite the opposite. Example: I think I can improve, I'm convince that I'm trying to improve, and I believe that I have been getting better.
Really, it's all just a downhill battle. I'm doing worse than I was at the beginning of the year, in a lot of ways. I don't really remember my New Year's Resolutions, but if I made any, they're probably broken. Actually, I think I said something about a girl (as a joke) to someone I was talking to. I remember asking girls to go out with me on the 31st over IM, saying "It's the last day for me to get my 03 New Year's Resolution for a girlfriend, will you go out with me?"
Now I can't decide whether that was funny or stupid.
Now, people are convinced I like this girl who has a boyfriend, and although I keep teliing them I'm not interested in relationships, they think it's set in stone. Maybe I do "like" her, but that doesn't matter, because it's not "love", and I"m not interested in "like".
Everything's so black and white nowadays. Heh. That's funny, because I'm color blind. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| === I. an uphill battle on the icy side ===
This time around, I'm gonna do it just right
Not goin' too slow, not wastin' idle time
Every chance I get, every word I speak
Underneath it all, a fastpaced heart
And nothing's gonna break it, no
Less than one week and I've dropped greens
For sure, for sure, she'll know, she'll care
It's gotta mean something, that sappy gift of mine
I know I saw her smile and I smiled too
this must be love or else i'm captured by her sight
=== II. tension mounting at the summit ===
In this alcove I'll rest a bit while she's gone
Just as I rest my head on the ground, my eyes are open again
Brilliant white light or something like it, she's there, oh lord
Something 'bout boys and girls and love, it all meant her and me
My cantine was full again of sparkling wine and a lemon on the side
Oh I'll never let go of this rope, she's the only flag on top
These boots will always pierce this rock until the very very end
Where we hug and we smile and we gaze to the stars (they're just a bit closer)
Everything is perfect here and nothing could break our hearts
Next day I'll see her, flowing hair and bright bright eyes
We'll talk for a while yeah, about that mountain high and all
She'll understand, she'll comprehend, she'll smile again
That dream has to be real
=== III. without naiivety's blindfold i am the donkey to be pinned ===
Two miles from base, our paths cross again - her lip is frostbitten
I open my pack and pull out something liquidy, then I feel the touch of her hand
'Oh no, oh no, it's fine, it's fine, just a kiss from this mountain boy'
Quick to recover from initial shock, I gossiped a while as I folded in on myself
Racing thoughts jus' like...
heythatwasjustyesterdayshesaidshewasfree...
somaybethisisjustsomepassingreboundkindathing
he'snottherightguyyeahiknowthatiam-
i'llneverletgoofthisslipperyrope
aslongasi'vegotthebootstoclimb
I took my mask off and inhaled an icy breath that she and I shared
As I let the air back out for her to take in, I collapsed;
I think I just broke some kind of record for being alive with a heart so dead inside
=== IV. crash crash crash, but never ever burn ===
The aorta sliced in perfect threes and they curled in on each other
Each ventricle was seeped dry of life and petrified in suspended motion
Left atrium drowned in cells of red and white of type O as it took in the right's
And as I crawled between the mess the valves pumped their last air, closed shut
Prison walls so crimson welcome in an empty home of situational denial:
Oh I'll never let go of this rope, she's the only flag on top
These boots will always pierce this rock until the very very end
Where we hug and we smile and we gaze to the stars (they're just a bit closer)
Everything is perfect here and nothing could break our hearts
This dream I won't awake from | | comments: Leave a comment |
| The scene down at the corner's changed
Open doors ease shut and people walk away
This stop sign has tilted on its rusted axis
No one would believe you if you told them
So don't bother recounting tales of...
Barry used to wave his hands in song
Shera would always laugh at my misfortune
Lisa yeah, she was kinda cute back then
Scottie oh, he always tried to fit in
Where have all the days gone?
Pages left untorn on day-by-days
Books left unfinished, songs unsung
What we had and what was left is now so gone
They used to say that change was in the wind
Really it comes down with the rain at night
Thunderstorms and tragedies will erode away
Even what's thought stationary can take flight
Now I'm back here again, my hands a bit dirtier
The mini-garden's mud is fresh with rain, and dew
Each morning I'll return to find another layer
And though they may have migrated away
Here I will always stay | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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